Triggers.

Wow.

I was having a conversation with a friend last night who is working through some tough things, and for whatever reason I randomly brought up triggers.

You know...those things that bring up memories.

Some good.

Some not so good.

Good ones for me is the smell of Eternity cologne on my husband, cool summer nights, the smell of rain about to storm.

These make me smile just writing them!

Some not so good involve Ike's diagnosis.  Wedgewood Park was a big one for me.  The day before Ike was diagnosed, I found myself with friends and VERY frustrated that Ike wouldn't play and wouldn't stop crying.  We left early because he wouldn't stop.  Also, a picture of the Fulton Street farmers market.  I haven't been there yet, but just remembering how he wouldn't get out of the wagon because his legs hurt.

Ugh, these make me want to cry!

Sometimes you can know what these triggers are, and a lot of time they just hit you.  Even trying to prepare for them, or thinking you will be ok when you face it.  Not true.

After this conversation with my friend, I had to go to a place that I KNEW was going to be a trigger for me.

Even though I thought was prepared for the emotions that involved with me going there, I was not.

I once again found myself grieving a life that once was and that will never be the same.  

My heart is so heavy even just writing this.

I knew I had to go.  And I know that I will have to go there again.  Many more times in fact.  I know that after the park experience, things got better.  So, I know this trigger will get easier with time.  But things just will never be the same.

I know someday I will be ok with it.  But, man.  My heart hurts!  Ever have that?!

I have found that that there have been people that have been journeying with me that have REALLY gotten me through!  Talking with them has helped.  And being surrounded by support has been life changing.  And lastly.  Jesus.  And all the prayers that have gone up on my behalf.  

Thankfully my husband knew that going there was going to be tough for me, so he picked up the house for me.

I got home to a good trigger.  The smell of lemon lysol in the sink and no toys on my floor!

After a few shed tears, (and some diet Pepsi compliments of Jacob), I felt better.

I began to think of the process that God is working me through.

You would think Leukemia would be enough.  But alas, it is not.

I had my pity party last night.  And I may have another one again.  But today I woke up to kids, laundry, dishes, and demands.  Life doesn't stop even though you think it should.  I woke up choosing to listen to Robert Morris and thanking God that today will be a good day.  You take it a day at a time, and you CHOOSE to trust and adjust.

And you know what?  Today hasn't been half bad.

I will get through.  We all get through, right?!

Let me encourage you, whoever this is for, it does get better.  The pain is and will always be real.  But you will learn to enjoy life again.  After Ike's diagnosis, blood clot, Jamie with brain tumors, and finding out Jordyn is a cystic fibrosis carrier.  You DO learn to laugh again.  And really ENJOYING laughing.  Things may come that are rough, but if you learn to adjust and accept the pain, you accept the joy that comes after the pain.  Although I am not to the joy part YET, I know it is coming.

Until next time,

Linda